They call me hell/They call me Stacey/They call me her/They call me Jane/That’s not my name

Lookee what we have here! The 2009 Baseball Season is officially underway.

Home Opener is always a tough game to be a tried and true fan at. You may be wondering “WTF Jen? It’s the perfect game to show your baseballness.”

Wait, my friend. Let me explain. You see, I am surrounded by drunk people in a packed stadium (48,000), shiny new uniforms, cherry red caps, montages, countdowns, big flags, goosebumps, beer, foam fingers, tacky signs, highlighted hair, couples making out, cameras, dome dogs, cellphones, people waving at their friends trying to show where they are sitting, Twitterers (okay, that was all me), the high pitched Peanuts Cracker Jacks vendor, beer, rosters, stats, and a game. That’s a lot going on. It’s hard to buckle down and really focus on the ins and outs of the game. So, tonight…tonight is when I can be a baseball watching/recording machine. Last night was like a giant montage set to catchy Top 40 music.

The unveiling of the 2008 Season Ticket Bonus Gift
Last year when the season tickets were purchased our dealer (Snorris) got this framed photo as a thank you gift (or something along those lines.)


He promptly stated that he couldn’t have the picture at his desk because it would “be gay” (his words, not mine.) He gave it to Amy and I, which we share with as joint custody. Last season when Cuddy got hurt and was out we had to find a replacement. Me being me I decided to replace Cuddyer with David Cook until either Cuddy got better or David Cook pulled a hammy. Henceforth this photo being at my desk for most of the fall, winter and spring. As we all know, Cuddy is back in the line-up so it is time to retire David Cook and bring Cuddy back! Here’s the official unveiling.

In which I am a lazy S.O.B.
I really love the spot our season ticket seats are because:
* I don’t have to walk all the way to the back of the Metrodome for our gate.
* Only four rows to walk up
* Restrooms right outside our section
* Marnie (from FSN) stands in our stairway to film segments
* Wally the mother fucking Beerman

Baseball music of note
Thanks to anonymous for sending me this link via a comment. Oh and now that song is stuck in my head so super thanks for that.
Let’s get Denarded

Music of the Day
Whilst Those Girls were bummed they missed the Morrissey concert (which I was too) I was even more bummed about missing the Ting Tings. If you haven’t checked them out DO IT! They are catchy and danceable. Who doesn’t like dancing? No one, that’s who. No. One.

The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name

In the midnight hour/She cried more more more/With a rebel yell/She cried more more more

Happy Home Opener!

Happy Last Season in the Metrodome!

Happy Monday (son of a bitch)!

Happy 30 degree weather (next year you pansies will be freezing your you-know-whats off)!

Happy Francisco “F-Bomb” Liriano Starting Pitcher Day!

One of Those Girls said it best via Twitter: It just occurred to me that this will be my last home opener ever that will be budget-friendly and warm/dry

True-that!

Don't forget to catch me on Twitter
http://twitter.com/baseballipgloss

My hopes for 2009
* A winning season
* New music in the Dome (last year they upped it by including Vampire Weekend and The Fratellis)
* Winning at least one game of Twingo – that sassy bitch of a game gets me EVERYTIME!
* Not to get beaned by a foul ball
* Bring more of my own food (because, if it wasn’t for beer the food in the Dome would suck)
* Being in the Hormel Hotdog Row of Fame (‘cause you can be a wiener winner)

Warning to new readers of this blog
* Sometimes I swear, a lot
* Sometimes I post a Swear Count (American-English: 2 , British English:1)
* Sometimes I am irrational (I hate dolphins, nature and deer)
* Occasionally I rant
* Often I blog about music (and David Cook – shuddup)
* I don’t use my own stats because I can’t be arsed to figure that stuff out. I watch baseball for enjoyment not math.

Let’s look back, shall we?
Home Opener 2008 – And the signs said, the words of the prophets/Are written on the subway walls/And tenement halls/And whispered in the sounds of silence

Notable notes from that blog entry:
* On March 31, 2008 my blog counter was at 9,223 hits. This year: 29,814 hits. Someone out there really loves me…and my swearing.
* It was freaking snowing!
* We sat in the highest spot in the Metrodome. I kid you not.

Music of the Day – Home Opener Edition
To those of you who would assume (when you assume you make an ass out of “u” and “me”) that I would use a David Cook song as the 2009 Home Opener Music of the Day I say to you “You got lucky, I almost did!”

Billy Idol – Rebel Yell (acoustic)
(This is Lucy’s newest song that she’s learning)

So I’ll let you go, I’ll set you free/And when you’ve seen what you need to see

I have been tossing around this idea for a while now. I subject my friends and co-workers to listening to me talk about it all the time.

Here it is…

Each team up to bat should get a new position player called “Defense”. This player would stand in a marked spot on the foul line between 1st Base and Right Field. Once his teammate (the batter) makes contact with the ball the Defense is allowed to run onto the field and “interfere” with play. The Defense would not be allowed to mess with the pitcher or catcher. He also is unable to touch the ball at any time. I am still working out the logistics of the Defense being able to tackle a fielder. I like the idea but then protection/pads/gear come in play.

SO, that’s what goes on in my vodka soaked brain.

Non-baseball but no less important
Saturday’s Alright For Drinking with Co-workers
Last weekend the crème de la crème of my office went to listen to another co-worker’s band play at this bar (wheeee!) The band (The Pearl) covered music all across the board: Motley Crue, Blondie, Tom Petty, Foo Fighters, Pink, Violent Femmes, and some country songs that I used for “potty-break” time. First best part is having photographic evidence to use if need be. Second best part is my co-worker and partner-in-cubicle-crime Steph hitting the stage to play wicked tambourine on the Violent Femme’s “Blister in the Sun”.

My eye on the very far left.

Bestill my Fangirling Heart
David Cook at Mystic Lake Casino
Two guesses at who is going to be at the show?
And if you need the second guess you fail as a loyal blog reader!

(By the way, this isn’t the Mystic Lake poster…obviously.)

Music of the Day – In Other David Cook News…Edition
This is the music video for his new single. You better freakin’ watch it because I will be quizzing you later!
David Cook – Come Back to Me

Do you like American music/I like American music/Don’t you like American music too, baby

I am fast approaching the 30,000 hit mark which is A LOT considering the past few months have been boring and/or full of David Cook fangirling.

5 days until the home opener

Opening Day Festivities
Breakfast on the Plaza!
Opening Day Rally at the IDS (noon) – which rocks because I work in that building!

Stay tuned for a new rule/position I want added to the official MLB rules.

Non-baseball but no less important

Katy Perry concert
It was a 15+ concert so we connoisseurs of all things booze related were stuck upstairs drinking our giant bottles of beer. The show was good, the band overwhelmed Katy Perry’s vocals a lot, and I danced.

Reason 4,398 that I should never be a parent
Lucy was scared the other night because she thought she saw Spiderman in our chimney. I told her “Don’t worry. Spiderman comes through windows.” After Stacy got done giving me the ‘I can’t believe you just told my 3 yr old daughter that Spiderman watches her from the windows’ –look I amended my statement by saying “Lucy, Spiderman is in New York right now.” THIS is why I don’t have kids. I don’t have time to make my lies plausible.

Embracing my Inner-Geek
Yesterday I found out that David Cook is going to be playing a concert at Mystic Lake Casino (right here in Minnesota). I called up my gamblin’ friends and asked them to “see what they could do” for getting tickets. One friend responded with “what’s in it for me.” Here’s my bribe:


A Taun-Taun full of vodka so when they cut its stomach open and crawl inside to keep from freezing the vodka would gush out and they could drink it until they felt warm and sleepy. (Star Wars reference, folks.)

Okay, so let’s just squee for a moment over the fact that David Cook will have a concert in Minnesota. Squee! Oh, alas it is at a casino about an hour outside of The City and that casino has a No Booze policy. Don’t worry, I have flasks and I am NOT afraid to use them.

Music of the Day – I had a drunken remix of this song sung to me Saturday night Edition
Violent Femmes – American Music

You look pretty in your fancy dress/But I detect unhappiness/You never speak so I have to guess

Here’s the deal…I suck at baseball blogging when there isn’t a lot of baseball to watch. I don’t have gameday or any fancy radio stations to catch the games so I am flying blind here folks. I do promise that I’ll be back in action now that things are happening. Girl scouts oath!

Here are some baseball related updates:

* I started a baseball Twitter that if you want to follow during games/baseball things you can. I can’t guarantee I will be all that sober during the Twittering of stuff (you know since baseball = beer.)

http://twitter.com/baseballipgloss

* Home Opener tickets have been purchased and the partial season ticket package is on its way to me as I type this.

* Next Sunday I will be participating in A League of Their Own’s Baseball Roundtable. I have to do a little studying up so I can represent well/accurately/non-stuttering (oh, and I have practice not stuttering. Yup.)

Kinda Baseball-ish
Hey, any East Coast blog readers out there?
I am heading to Maryland, Pennsylvania, Delaware, and maybe Virginia this summer and I need ideas of things to do. My list already contains a Baltimore Orioles game (the Royals are in town) and a minor league team in Delaware. (Also includes Delaware State Fair, Hershey, ocean time, a scenic drive somewhere, and probably shenanigans but I digress.)

Non-baseball but no less important
Zeppelin The Dog Update

Further proof that you can take the dog out of the ghetto but you can't take the ghetto out of the dog.

Music of the Day – Feeding my Jack White Obsession Edition
Raconteurs – Old Enough

So I won’t hesitate no more, no more/It cannot wait, I’m sure/There’s no need to complicate

Home again Home again – Jiggity Jig
We gotta give mad props and thanks to Ames for ditching her bookclub early to purchase Home Opener tickets for the posse. (I was in Duluth seeing David Archuleta in concert – details below.) I will be there for the Last Home Opener in The Metrodome! Will you?

27 and Counting
27 days until home opener. This off-season was pretty damn boring. I mean, if it wasn’t for A-Rod’s Steroid bust there would have been nothing to talk about. (I know, I know…that is inaccurate but it’s what I am going with.)

WWBJD (What Would Baby Jesus Do)
Looks like the talk around town is that Joe Mauer may not be as healthy as we (meaning “they”) assumed. Whoops.

Non-baseball but no less important

Moment of Truth
Hi, my name is Jen and I saw David Archuleta in concert.

Saturday night I took Olivia (age 12) to see him perform at a sold-out DECC concert hall. In case you, the baseball blog readers, don’t know who the fuck David Archuleta is let me clarify – he’s the runner up from last year’s American Idol.

There is one bit of detail from the show I wanted to share with you. You see, I feel like I am the ONLY person in the world that thinks perving out on a barely 18-year old guy is kind of gross. Especially when I think of that 18-year old as a Fraggle Rock character. There were two grown, married women behind me who attended the concert with their husbands (no children). I may have started off feeling bitchy towards them because they were saying mean things about David Cook (my American Idol crush, if you haven’t ever read my blog before) but here’s an example of their conversation that proves they are nutter-butters:

Grown Married Woman#1: “He’s 18 so it is okay that I find him attractive.”
Me (inside my head): “Whatever it takes to get you through relationship counseling.”
Grown Married Woman#2: “He really wears those jeans well.”
Me (inside AND outside my head): “Ew.”
Grown Married Woman#1: “He fills them out almost too well.”
Me (inside my head): “Jen! Don’t look. Don’t look at what they are talking about. For the LOVE OF GOD DON’T LOOK!”
Grown Married Woman#2: “I KNOW! He’s packing isn’t he?”
Me (inside my head): “I am gonna throw up.”
Grown Married Woman#1: “That’s gonna make some lucky girl very happy, if you know what I mean.”
Me (inside my head): “OR a lucky boy. What? AND yes we all know what you mean.”

For the record I DID LOOK because I am a horrible human-being who doesn’t listen to the voice inside her head and I am ashamed and sorry and embarrassed and now must take up a religion that will cure the sins inside my heart. God Damn.

Concert Calendar - Wishlist
Here are all the shows that I am interested in attending. Alas, all these shows cost $ so I am cutting down to the ones I really, really want to see AND that aren’t on a night with previously made plans. Oh, and to U2 and NIN/Jane’s Addiction – thanks a-fucking-lot for skipping the Twins Cities on your tour. Haven’t we been good to you? Haven’t we??? (Although U2 may extend tour and hit us up a later date.)

3/13 The Honeydogs CD Release Show @ First Ave
3/14 Andrew Dice Clay @ Myth
3/22 Black Label Society @ Myth
3/24 Katy Perry @ First Ave (attending)
3/30 Bob Mould @ Varsity Theater
4/6 The Ting Tings @ Varsity Theater
4/6 Lez Zeppelin @ Fine Line Music Café
4/6 Morrissey @ State Theater
4/7 Nickelback @ Target Center (may attend much to my chagrin)
4/12 Mates of State @ Varsity Theater
4/13 All American Rejects @ Myth
4/14 Kris Kristofferson @ Pantages Theater
4/16 Ezra Furman & The Harpoons @ 7th Street Entry (attending)
4/17 Travis @ Fine Line (attending)
4/18 Chris Cornell
4/21 Peter Bjorn and John @ Fine Line
4/25 M. Ward @ First Ave
4/25 Rocco Deluca & The Burden @ Fine Line
4/26 Neko Case @ State Theater
4/28 Franz Ferdinand @ First Ave
5/2 Queensryche @ Myth
5/3 Leonard Cohen @ Orpheum Theater
5/11 The Kills @ First Ave

Album Releases Today
Kelly Clarkson – All I Ever Wanted (I am soooo getting this one)
Chris Cornell – Scream
Handsome Furs – Face Control
Taylor Hicks – The Distance (Not. Gonna. Happen.)
New Found Glory – Not Without a Fight
Madeleine Peyroux – Bare Bones
Razorlight – Slipaway Fires (love these guys!)

Music of the Day – Just saw this fraggle rock in concert Edition

David Archuleta – I’m Yours

Melmak, is nothing but worse for cats/Melmak, is really no place for cats

I know the upcoming season will be filled with talk of the new Twins stadium (Target Field) and look-backs on the Metrodome. I know the Dome isn’t as epic as Yankees Stadium but to me it houses all my memories of baseball (except that one roadtrip to Kauffman Stadium.) Seriously, all my baseball memories revolve around the blue plastic seats, bright green turf, dingy grey roof, lights, railings, steps, cup holders (running into them with my shins), crazy revolving doors with air-pressure, cement, dome dogs, losing the ball in the roof, dugout, unprotected bullpens, homerun porch, my favorite seats under the Oliva banner, flasks, 31 rows of pain, those weird seats in the “V” section on lower level (left field/third base line), realizing the turf isn’t that cool up close (kind of gross when you think about it)…man, the list could go on and on. This is the LAST SEASON IN THE METRODOME!

Spring Training is upon us
I will (as Baby Jesus is our witness) start blogging spring training! Girl Scouts honor (not that I was ever a girl scout.)

Kind of baseball-related
In August I am going to be on the East Coast (mostly the Pennsylvania/Maryland area) for a real vacation. I have a couple things on the schedule (including a music festival) but I also want to check out some non-Twins baseball. I am going to try and score tickets for the Orioles and/or The Nationals.

Non-baseball but no less important


I bought the new U2 CD at Target (yup, you can see the sticker right there). I am excited to give it a complete listening to. There are a lot of a.) U2 haters and/or b.) New U2 music doubters (who are fans but just like the “classic” U2 styling’s.) To you all I say, shame on you! This band has given us 30 years of epic (and some not-so-epic) musical moments. The least we can do is support their new stuff and give it a chance. Hell, you don’t have to like it/buy it/listen to it BUT you do have to shut her yap if all you are doing is talking about how they are sell-outs. Sell out this! *insert rude hand gesture* Yes, I am passionate about more than baseball.

You can go your own way (go your own way)
I saw Fleetwood Mac and it was pretty epic! I mean, the crowd was a little underwhelming BUT the music more than made up for it (as did the beers, dancing, twirling, and tambourine hands).

You know the tendency of my Monday Night Happy Hour Crew for flashing The Shocker in every photo that they can...Exhibit C


I don't know why but I have been on a Corona kick lately. Maybe because it reminds me of summer (and being drunk in Mexico when I was 18)

Music of the Day – Memory Lane Edition
Last weekend I pretty much fangirled (probably harder than I fangirl David Cook) because I caught a couple episodes of ALF on TV. Yes, ALF, as in the cat-eating alien!

Alf Theme