So I won’t hesitate no more, no more/It cannot wait, I’m sure/There’s no need to complicate, out time is short

Um…
Yeah, I searched and searched for something new and fresh for the baseball part of my baseball blog. I am just here cap in hand. I thought I would try to keep this place a little active and amuse those who enjoy me being an uber-dork with my non-baseball shit. So…enjoy it while you can. Once baseball is back on then we will have a new focus.

Non-baseball but no less important

Overheard
At Borders in Coon Rapids
Me: Oh hey, I know this song! (singing along to the music playing in the store)
Elle: Who is it?
Me: (thinking) Um…oh shit, it’s David Archuleta. Damn it.
Elle: (chuckles)
Me: Damn it! Now I freaking outed myself at Borders by singing along to David fucking Archuleta!

A bit later I had to solidify my coolness by heavily mocking the Jonas Bros display.
(In case you’re interested…the song was “Desperate.”)

In our livingroom
Stacy (who I thought was on the phone): It’s too late, she must be drunk.
Me (interrupting her conversation): What? Why would you say that?
Stacy: What are you talking about?
Me: Oh, I thought you were on the phone talking about me.
Stacy: Jenny, it’s not always about you when I talk about drunk people.

In line at an Asian take-out place
Customer: I don’t like dark meat, don’t give me any dark meat.
My friend: Hahaha…that’s a “That’s what she said moment” if I ever heard one.
Me: Then you should “That’s what she said-ed” it. Don’t leave it hanging.
Friend: It’s too late now.
Me: True that.
Customer: I told you I don’t like the dark meat.
Me: (barely contains snort of laughter)
Friend: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Me: Shhh…fuck, I don’t think they heard you in Canada.

On Family Guy last night
Lois Griffin: Daddy, we don’t want any special treatment. We’re here as a family and we’re gonna live as a family.
Stewie: Are you serious? We come to a mansion and you want to live with the help? Ugh, it’s like going to a strip club on a Tuesday afternoon.
[cutaway to Stewie sitting by the stage at a strip club]
Stewie: Is there anyone here who hasn’t had a C-section?

The Big New Year’s Eve Question
Who are you going to watch while counting down? Last year I loved seeing Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin (I hearts those two so much) but this year they may have a little competition. Fox station will have David Cook, Lynyrd Skynyrd AND Scott Weiland performing in Las Vegas. How can I not watch? How. Can. I. Not. Scott Weiland (Rock God) + David Cook = FANfuckingTASTIC!

Why…
Is Scott Weiland so hot? Seriously, maybe it is the combination of his being a musical genius along with the fact he is kinda smoking. I will be doing an album review later this week…so just you wait! Just. You. Wait. (Most of you are joyous in the fact it is a non-American Idol album I am reviewing.)
http://pics.livejournal.com/park_ave_pirate/pic/0010zctw/s320x240

Does Will Ferrell playing the Cow Bell guy so fucking hilarious? I think a clip of him playing Cow Bell could be used as therapy. I could put it on my iPod and play it during a particularly bad meeting. Who can stay mad when there’s Cow Bell? Who? (An asshole, that’s who.)

Music of the Day – Lucy’s a Rockstar
Again, when Lucy becomes a certified Rock Star she will owe it all to me. Here she is singing along with Jason Mraz on his “I’m Yours” song. This video was taken yesterday morning whilst we enjoyed our cups of coffee and an impromptu show. Check it out…she really reaches those high-flat notes!

Lucy – I’m Yours (Jason Mraz cover)

Motownphilly’s back again/Doin’ a little east coast swing/Boyz II men going off

This is baseball?
What the fuck! We just experienced what had to be the most boring Winter Meetings EVER! So, thanks…for nothing. Let’s hope we can get our team solidified before Spring Training.

/end random rant – but at least it was baseball related

Non-baseball but no less important

Some day you won’t laugh at me! I’m going out and have a real life! I’m gonna be somebody! - A Star is Born
Last night Stacy, Lucy and I had a mini Christmas celebration (where the Baileys’ was finished off.) Lucy opened her present from me, her very first guitar. Like a true rockstar, she had a quick meltdown and then strapped on her acoustic. Stacy was quick enough to get her camera out to record Lucille Eskedar Anderson’s very first acoustic performance. I know I say it all the time but Lucy is the coolest fucking kid!


Dear Lucy,
When you become famous I will be selling this video to TMZ, People, and Time to show how you got your start. Just don’t forget me when you become a multi-platinum Rockstar.

-Auntie Jen

Lucy’s first acoustic performance


Hey, I never said I was a nice person
So you know those holiday cards you get in the mail that have pictures of all the wonderful places they traveled, all the culture they soaked up, all the accomplishments that have achieved? You know the ones that have graduation pictures from fancy ivy league colleges, frou-frou engagement pictures, and published work? Yeah, those are the cards I mock. Honestly? If I sent out my own little picture card right now it would include me standing next to C3PO, me holding up my “When did rock and roll become so fucking boring” watch at the Kansas City baseball stadium, it would be me drunk on the streets of Minneapolis celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, it would be all of the pictures I have taken of my adult beverages, it would be me flicking off the camera, giving the rock salute, kissing Lucy and getting my tattoo. Those would be my accomplishments. Are they any less grandiose than yours? Yeah, probably but at least I don’t have some red-headed chick with an Ethiopia tattoo mocking me on her blog. Aw, snap.

Merry Christmas 2008!


Happy belated Birthday Neal
Remember how I prepared myself for mocking when I gave David Cook a birthday shout-out? Well, I have my Wonder Woman Cuffs on for this one too. Neal = guitar player that I have a rockstar crush on. I mean, come on! He has sleeve tattoos, snake bites (lip piercings, Aunt K), lobe-spacers and knuckle tattoos. What’s not to love? (Yeah, my aunt is having her second heart attack right now.)

Happy Birthday!


Motownphilly’s back again/Doin’ a little east coast swing
Yep, Boyz II Men are back again! February 20 at Jackpot Junction Casino. Who wants to roadtrip with me? Hmm? Any takers? Don’t be shy!

Music of the Day – Tempting you Edition
Boyz II Men – Motownphilly

They say misery loves company/We could start a company/And make misery, Frustrated Incorporated

First, I have to apologize
There just isn’t that much happening right now! Rats! Well, you can read the non-baseball stuff for entertainment (well if drinking, swearing and odd photos are entertaining.)

Twins Looking Overseas
Twins have “expressed interest” in Japanese pitchers Kenshin Kawakami and Koji Uehara

Non-baseball but no less important

Non-verbal That’ What She Said
With International That’s What She Said Day fast approaching us (February 15) I am trying to compile all the rules and regulation to this most fantastic of holidays. The other day I found out there IS such a thing as Non-Verbal That’s What She Said. It involved a half-eye roll, quarter eyebrow raise, and a slight squint. Mix all those together you have a Non-Verbal That’s What She Said. This can be used for those moments when your mouth is full (that’s-what-she-said) or you are in a no-talking environment (such as the library or one of those commuter buses to the suburbs.) Start practicing NOW!

As God is my witness, next year everyone’s getting gift cards!
Yesterday I used a precious day off to hit the stores and get some shopping done. It wasn’t horrible but I think my excursion to Menards scarred me. In case you don’t know, Menards is a Home Depot like place.


I did “save big money at Menards” but I also lost 20 minutes of my life by being lectured on drill bits and other useless stuff that I can guarantee I will NEVER use again. So thank you Hello My Name is Joe Menards, I am soooo glad I could help you feel needed. I guess I didn’t really need to put on a layer of lipgloss for Menards now did I?

I am only doing this because 99% of you will roll your eyes at me
David Cook’s birthday is today, so…
Happy Birthday David Cook


To all those of you who are rolling your eyes right now (*cough*Amy*cough*) – SUCK IT! (and…thatswhatshesaid)

St. Paul Shenanigans
Yesterday evening kicked off the Monday Night Happy Hour Crew Holiday Hoopla Extravaganza. It all started on a blustery cold Friday afternoon…
We decided to cross the river and head into the other Twin City, St. Paul.

Photographic Evidence

I don’t know who gave me a gun (of course it was attached to a video game)

You know how I feel about deer so this game made me giggle (and fight for my life)

Vegan J hearts us all

Clap on, clap off, the clapper
I kind of want a clapper. I don’t know what I would hook up to it but here are some ideas:
1. The radio
2. The space heater
3. The coffee machine
4. The blow-dryer
5. The toaster

Music of the day – Local Edition
Soul Asylum played at First Ave last night. I would be going in a heartbeat but it was the start of Monday Night Happy Hour Extravaganza Weekend Hoopla I was in St. Paul (random, I know.) This song of theirs is one of my favorites.

Soul Asylum – Misery

Ah, the night is callin’/And it whispers to me softly “come and play”/But I, I am fallin’

Grasping at straws here...

Morneau named Top Canadian (player)

Twins offer Guerrier, Kubel contracts

Non-Baseball but no less important

Scenes from Monday Night Happy Hour

Even though I was properly warned…
So, I live in the ghetto and I am always aware of my surroundings when I walk from my car to the backdoor. Sometimes I run, just because I psych myself out. Last night I creaked open the back gate and WHAM! There was a creepy shadowy figure looming in the backyard. My heart literally stopped. I froze. (This is the part where I have neither the “Fight” nor the “Flight” defense mechanism. So…I freeze. After I took a couple deep calming breaths I said out loud “It is only a snowman, it is only a snowman.” And you know what, I really was a snowman.

Lesson: When you live in the ghetto seeing a snowman scares the shit out you

I voted!


My Picks
Albert Hammond Jr – Come Te Llama
Billy Bragg – Mr. Love & Justice
Conor Oberst – Conor Oberst
The Dandy Warhols – Earth to the Dandy Warhols
DeVotchka – A Mad and Faithful Telling
Drive-By Truckers – Brighter Than Creation’s Dark
Eagles of Death Metal – Heart On
The Fratellis – Here We Stand
The Hold Steady – Stay Positive
The Kills – Midnight Doom
The Kooks – Konk
Lucinda Williams – Little Honey
Martha Wainwright – I Know You’re Married But I’ve Got Feelings Too
The Raconteurs – Consolers of the Lonely
Ray Lamontagne – Gossip in the Grain
She & Him – Volume One
The Ting Tings – We Started Nothing
Travis – Ode to J. Smith
Yelle – Pop-up

Don’t Forget that I Twitter now!
So, do any of you Twitter? I need some peeps to follow (in a total non-stalking way.) Doesn’t the thought of me drunken Twittering sound appealing?

http://twitter.com/parkavepirate

Score: Lucy – 4, Bailey’s - 1
The love/hate relationship between Lucy (age 3) and Bailey’s (thank god she’s cute) has taken a new turn. Last night I snapped a couple pictures in succession of Lu and Bailey’s. You decide the winner!

*Please note: No cats or toddlers were harmed during these moments.

The Family Guy Report
So, I love this show, always have, always will. BUT now it is on every night and I get sucked into watching the reruns. Last night’s episode – The Father, The Son, and The Holy Fonz

The best parts:
Peter Griffin starts a church of The Holy Fonz (eeeeeh)
Stewie is in a bubble

Other funny parts of Family Guy:Cool Whhhhhip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lich59xsjik

Music of the Day – Find a bit of myself in the lyrics Edition
Actual music video can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89V7hvEmSD8

Pink – Sober

But I can dance, dance, dance/So when I trip on my feet/Look at the beat

Hey, at least he knows when to admit it
Gardy says Young rumors his fault

Trading Block
Cool site on MLB – MLB Hot Stove Tracker

Some big names from the list:
CC Sabathia…blah blah blah
K-Rod to Mets
JJ Putz to Mets
Franklin Gutierrez to Mariners
Mike Lamb signs one-year contract with Brewers (I know, not a trade but still…)
Coco Crisp to KC Royals (very interesting)
Ramon Ramirez to Red Sox
Nick “The Swish” Swisher to Yankees (not really news anymore)
Matt Holliday to Oakland
Huston Street to Rockies

Non-baseball but no less important

Mutton Chops a la civil war
A co-worker grew mutton-chops on a dare (with cookies as a prize.) I tried to be stealth to get a photo but he wasn’t having it. Instead, I will leave you with a drawing to describe it.

Here he is hiding from my stealth camera skillz

And here is what he actually looked like


Grapples

There is a new fad sweeping the nation…Grapples – grape flavored apples. Why eat two kinds of fruit when you can now get one fruit with two flavors! Why have two forms of fruit servings and nutrients when you can get one with the added bonus of artificial flavoring. In reality, these things scare the shit out of me. I tried one and it tastes like Dimetapp children’s cough syrup.

Hair-don’t
I walked around for…um, approximately four hours on Tuesday with a total hairtastrophe and all my so called “friends” (I made air-quotes when I told this story) didn’t even buddy-check me on it. Seriously! I had a huge hunk of hair sticking up. Yeah, I understand that ultimately it is my responsibility to brush my hair but come one! Someone has gots to help me out here!!! (It especially looks bad after a very public night of drinking.) I call Douchbaggery!


I am hunter!
I killed a creepy, crawly, multiple legged bug that was racing across the floor. My weapon? A trashy romance novel (and old Nora Roberts to be exact.) Since there are now bug guts and little legs all over the book I decided to just throw it in the trash. I mean, it was an accessory in a murder. Yeah, I wasn’t done reading it but I lost the desire after seeing the little legs. Did I mention there were little legs all over it? Yeah. Little legs.

Overheard
In the kitchen while cooking breakfast-for-dinner
Lucy: Mama, you are bringing me down
Me: *snort* (and then I had to turn away)

Music of the Day – New stuff
I don’t know Lykke Li (but I like the sound of her voice) and Bon Iver is a Wisconsin indie music darling known for writing his last album from a cabin in the woods.

Lykke Li & Bon Iver – Dance Dance Dance

This is my winter song/December never felt so wrong/Cause you’re not where you belong/Inside my arms

Winter Meetings are upon us!
Let’s hope this brings us some good news and some baseball entertainment!

Here’s what I got for you today
Dennis “Boom Boom” Reyes declines Twins’ arbitration offer
This has potential denying us the sight of Dennis “Blue Plate Special” from meandering across the field to the mound.

Kaat, Olivia denied in Hall of Fame vote
They were close with 59.4% and 51.6% (respectively) but they need 75% to make it in. Now, maybe this is the Girl Blogger part of me but I really want to see Oliva in the Hall of Fame. (It would give my autographed ball a little more street-cred.)

Twins looking to sign Punto
Now, this specific topic causes a lot of drama around the baseball blogging world (well, Twins’ ones at least) because you either love him or hate him (hate is a strong word but it rhymes better.)

Mets on brink of signing K-Rod
The Mets get everything (well, not really.)


Non-baseball but no less important

My Concert Calendar (just to make ya’ll jealouz)
KDWB Jingle Ball (David Archuleta, Rihanna, TI, Chris Brown) – 12/15 (very tentative)
AC/DC (5th Row!) – 1/19
Scott Weiland – 1/31
Motley Crue – 2/18
Fleetwood Mac – 3/3
Katy Perry – 3/24

Christmas Spirit Attempt 2.9 - FAIL
Last night, in the hopes of finding the Christmas Spirit, Lucy, Stacy and I watched the old school Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town holiday show. (You know, the one with the freaky clay-mation stuff.)

My Review (in which I think I am witty and snarky):

* Well, the legend goes that Santa was an orphaned baby who found his way to be raised by the Kringle Family Elves (aka: mini-Santa Claus’.)
* They made toys for no reason because they didn’t have a way to deliver them.
* As their red-headed step/adopted child grewed up he thought of the genius idea of bringing the toys himself.
* The Eve before his great adventure the Kringle Family Elves (ironically, not a singing group) gave him a red suit coat just like theirs.
* Oh, and Santa’s Ho Ho Ho laugh is derived of barking seals. Yeah, fucking insane.
* Back on track…Kris Kringle (he took the family name) had to make it through the scary mountain area (in which television feeds my hatred of all things nature) and Winter Warlock (no, you may not call him Winter it is Mr. Warlock to you.)
* He passed through somehow (potty break so I missed it) and made it to SomberTown (aka: grey muted tones and no fun)
* Herr Burgermeistermeisterburger (drinking game!) decreed no toys in SomberTown
* Kris K delivered the toys, made goo-goo eyes at Jessica (aka: Mrs. Claus – saw that one coming from a mile away)
* Toys kept getting taken away so Kris K made a list, checked it twice, gave a lyrical lecture to Jessica to pass on to the kids and then kept delivering.
* One of the trips he ran into Winter Warlock and de-thawed his cold heart by giving Mr. Warlock a “Choo choo train.” WW had some trippy eye thing too and all was happy.
* The whole chimney thing came along because the doors were locked so Kris K had to break in via the chimney.
* The whole stocking thing came about because the poor kids of SomberTown only could wash stockings for fun and hang them above the chimney to dry.
* Oh, Kris K and Jessica were married in a field on Christmas Eve which now makes me want to say “Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday Baby Jesus and Happy Anniversary Santa Claus!”
* It all was made better by a secret underground resistance dedicated to bring toys to the brats of SomberTown.
* Reindeer learned to fly by eating defunked magic golden corn kernels pilfered from Winter Warlock’s stash. As if we don’t have enough to fear about deer now we have to worry about magic corn!
* They all lived happily ever after. Kris K eventually grew a beard (to help throw the police off his scent due to a beardless photo being used in a Wanted poster) and his hair turned white. PHOTO

In conclusion, even I had a problem grasping that Santa Claus/Kris Kringle had a life before being the Santa Claus we know and love. Imagine being 3 years old and trying to figure that shit out. Spoooooky.


Overheard
Whilst watching Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town

Kris K: Mr. Warlock, or may I call you winter?
Winter Warlock: No you may not. It is Mr. Warlock to you
Me (to Stacy): Do you think that is where Janet Jackson got her “Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty” saying from?

Music of the Day – New Music Edition
I have been pimping this song around all morning long!!! I can’t embed it because it is so new (yeah, that’s how fast I was on this one) but click the link below to hear the new song by Sara Bareilles (Love Song) and Ingrid Michaelson (The Way I Am.)

Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson – Winter Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUO0gd7cr9o

So this is Xmas/And what have you done/Another year over/A new one just begun

Baseball-ish
The only thing I got is that the Twins setting their sights on Casey Blake.

Non-baseball but no less important

Must be Santa, must be Santa, must be Santa, Santa Claus
Lucy and I headed to the wild suburbs to see Santa Claus for the first time this year. During the car ride (in between singing Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”) we practiced what Lu would asked Santa for. Our list included: Chocolate, a pony, David Cook (I really tried slipping that one in there), a guitar, treats, spray bottle. When it got time to actually meet Santa Lucy clammed up. Little bugger, doesn’t she know that is the only shot we have for getting a pony or a David Cook? Argh!



What happens on the Ghetto #5 bus stays on the Ghetto #5 bus (Unless I post it on my blog)
Last night I witnessed a HUGE black-market DVD exchange on the bus. This guy had a whole duffle bag full of the new releases (Twilight, Bond, Dark Knight…) and each one was going for $5. I was very tempted to buy a copy of Twilight but then I would have felt bad for posting photos.


Overheard

In my cubicle
Me: Brr, it is fucking cold in here.
C: Put your gloves on.
Me: Oh yeah! I can totally do that. They are form-fitting.
C: That’s what she said!
Me: No! It doesn’t work that way. Fail!

In my office
Co-worker 1: So these hobos put a cross up on this path…
Co-worker 2: Hobo is not a politically correct term.
Co-worker 1: Fine. So these “miscreants” put up a cross…
Co-worker 2: Dude, seriously. Could you be any more redneck?
Co-worker 1: What are you talking about?
Co-worker 2: You and your demeaning terminology.
Co-worker 1: Fuck it. The story isn’t that funny anyways.
Me: Now it is.

Via text message - Thursday
Stacy: OMG! When I asked Lucy where you were she totally said, she’s at the bar.
Me: NO! You are lying.
Stacy: She did. I almost choked. So now she’ll probably always say it.

Via text message – Monday
Stacy: I asked Lucy what you were doing and she said “Cooperating.”
Me: Well, I am cooperating…with booze. Stop trying to get her to say “Auntie Jen’s at the Bar.”

Truefax: I order HoHo Mochas because I like saying “Ho.”
I also like ordering Falala Lattes because it makes me giggle. Alas, I actually don’t like any of those drinks. The sacrifices I make for my own amusement. I had a moment at Starbucks when I wanted to fight the whole “We call it THIS but the other guys call it THAT so we will pretend we don’t know what THAT means” scenario. Alas, I didn’t carry through with my frustration except with a story in my head.
Here is how it would go:

Overheard at Starbucks
Me: I would like a falalalalalalalalalaaaaa latte.
Barista: We don’t have those here.
Me: Oh, well. I will have a mint mocha.
Barista: A Peppermint Twist?
Me: What? Oh, that’s what you are calling it these days.
Barista: We always call it that. Me: Not in the summer.
My conscience: Give up.

Music of the Day – Trying to find the holiday spirit Edition
Hey! I almost went a whole blog entry without mentioning David Cook. Allow me this one moment of weakness.

David Cook & Neal Tiemann – Happy Xmas (War is Over)

My friends called today/down from L.A./they were shooting pool all night/Sleeping half the day

Close to home
I don’t really understand it but….Rule 5 Draft
Minnesota Twins adding eight men to the 40-man roster:
Brian Duensing, Anthony Swarzak, Drew Butera, Wilson Ramos, Luke Hughes, Trevor Plouffe, Deibinson Romero, and Steve Tolleson

Around the League
Mike Mussina officially announces his retirement (until something better comes along) – that last part is what I was thinking in my head.

Control of Yankees shifts to son Hal, George Steinbrenner remains chairman


Non-baseball but no less important

A BIG SHOUT-OUT to EV!
E.V. humored me today and now I need to publicly thank him!

So, thank you EV for:
* The heads-up on pre-sale Motley Crue tickets
* All the 90210 gossip
* Listening to David Cook’s song “Bar-ba-sol”

The Crue is my crew

Now, what the hell does one wear to a Motley Crue concert? I will have to find some big hoop earrings, a can of Aquanet, and stonewashed denim.

I scored tickets to go see Motley Crue at the Xcel Energy Center (with Hinder) on February 18, 2009. So far, 2009 is going to be a kick ass concert year (January – AC/DC, February – Motley Crue, March – Katy Perry.)

Chinese Democracy
I am very interested in checking out Guns N’ Roses “new” album, Chinese Democracy, but Axel Rose’s hair freaks me the fuck out.

New Release Tuesday, er Friday

I fail! I can’t believe I totally spaced on this. I guess my only excuse is I was fangirling over the new David Cook CD.

11/18/08Beyonce – I am…Sasha Fierce (interesting, very interesting)
David Cook – David Cook (one guess on how I feel about this one)
Billy Ray Cyrus – Back to Tennessee (aka: not going to be in my collection)
Dido – Safe Trip Home
Sammy Hagar – Cosmic Universal Fashion
Il Divo – The Promise (who the heck are these guys?)
Mudvayne – The New Game (their band name makes me mental)
Nickelback – Dark Horse (not a Nickelback fan but the one song I hear all the time is good)

Overheard (via email)
An email exchange between my co-worker Mike (a self-proclaimed Archie’s Angel) and me
Me: Guess which David is on the front of CNN Entertainment? David fucking Cook.
Mike: Whatever! What I do find noteworthy is that he is a native of Missouri…another red state like Utah. He has more in common with Archie than I originally thought.
Me: Don’t try to cover up my victory with your smarty-pants political mumbo-jumbo. My David beat your David in more than the Idol Battle…so there!
Mike: That’s what she said.
Me: NO! That’s my response! Don’t say that. Shit. Now I have to write my Overheard with you saying it. Thanks a lot.

MOD
Motley Crue – Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)

Till the daylight turns to ash and blows away/Missing keys/bloody nose/consequences of what I chose

Can we having some freaking baseball please?!?!?!
AL MVP – Dustin Pedroia
Runner-up – Morneausey
3rd – Youkilils
4th – Baby Jesus (I believe)

Wow…good showing for the Twins!

They tried to make me go to rehab
Neshek is heading back to rehab. Damn…I was hoping to have Death Metal back to wow the national announcers. Note: This rehab is for an arm injury and not substance abuse. Got it?

Trade rumor mill
Pedro Martinez says he’ll be pitching next year but with who (or is it “whom?” I am too lazy to check…sorry)

Yankees are buying souls and making offers to CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett
I heard about the Sabathia offer whilst bellied up to a bar drinking my two-for-one (2-4-1) Absolut Mandarin and Tonics. I was super pissy about it at that moment so I sent a text to someone who would understand…Those Girls.

Non-baseball but no less important

This is totally not important except to those who like to mock me:
Commence eye rolling
Hey, to 99%* of my blog readers…yeah, I am talking to you, here’s the deal. Today David Cook’s album is released. So that means I bought it and I will be listening to it and then I will be talking about it. Ya’ll are just going to have to deal. Okay? Okay.

In case you don’t have enough to mock and laugh at me about let me show you some photos that I took in my extremely ghetto Wal-Mart**.

*the number is possibly made up because I don’t like math.

**For you local yokels the Ghetto Wal-Mart is located in Richfield off of America Blvd. The music collection is mostly rap and Latina dance. There are approximately two rows (yes, rows) of “Rock” music. I put quotation marks around “Rock” because the “Rock” section also includes Miley Cyrus and Toby Keith. Yeah.

Also, if you wanted to you could totally go buy a copy and I would give you a big Kudos. I do believe I said something to Amy last night that sounded like this: “Remember you liked that one song? You should go buy the album and then I would laugh victoriously and then I would say that I made you cooler and then you would be cool. "

How come…
When I am wearing the only pair of sweatpants I own (yes, I only own one pair) that is the time that someone knocks on the door or there is some “good photo op.” No way, I am never wearing them again!

When you slip on a plastic hanger on a wooden floor you slide for about four feet and then you fall into a painful heap on the floor?
When you start the happy hour festivities at 4:00 p.m. you are ready to go to bed (pass out, whatever) by 9:00 p.m.?

Overseen in my cubicle – Suburban Commuter Ensemble
My co-worker C-SHa wearing a pretty dress with brown tights, white athletic socks and sneakers for her walk to the bus stop.

Overheard
In my cubicle
C-Sha: I am changing back into my other shoes
Me: I am sorry that I can’t stop making fun of you.

Music of the Day – Fangirl Edition
You know this was coming! WAIT! Before you just skip on check this song out. It is damn good. Rock, heavy guitar solos and real live music. Just humor me.

David Cook – Bar-ba-sol

Where it’s at/I got two turntables and a microphone/Take me home in my elevator bones

Hey! I actually have real baseball stuff to write about!

As if we needed another reason to boo the Yankees – Swisher to Yankees
I am curious to see Those Girls' reactions.

Gardy extended through 2011

Sort of baseball with a side of fangirl
Business and pleasure at Wright’s Gala

So, David Wright - who I mock only for the fact of the pink Mrs. Wright t-shirts I see on TV, had his fourth annual Wright Foundation Gala the other night. Now, you may be asking…why do I, Mocky McMockertons, care about that? Well, because David freaking Cook performed there! Duh, you knew that was coming. Anyways if you allow me a fangirling moment…
MLB Official Entertainment Video



Non-baseball but no less important

Dear Mother Nature,
Suck it.
Love, Jen


Don’t run with scissors and while you are at it…don’t brandish them either

My caption: Like a knight wielding his sword against the mighty dragon, Lucy has Big People Scissors. Run for your lives!

The Dolly Partons new lucky namecard proved to be unlucky
Damn it.

My Pub Quiz team (The Dolly Partons) are trying hard to recreate our near-perfect game from two weeks ago. At that time I had given Jolene (Joelen, Joelen, Joelen) a homemade birthday cared that had pictures of David Cook on it (she is a fan too!) The night of that exchange we got second place in the Merlin’s Rest Pub Quiz. So, in hopes of capturing that magice I got crafy! Made a placecard (or small yet tasteful sign) for our table (yes, we are dorks and yes, we were the only ones with a nametag.) On one side it had photos of Dolly Parton (our namesake) and on the other side it had pictures of our other favorite people: David Cook (shut it!), Obama (FTW!), Travis (our favorite Scottish band) and Neal (a random member of David Cook’s band that I am not-so-secretly crushing on.) Alas, the magic wasn’t to be had. We failed. As the night progressed our standars lowered…rapidly.
“Hey, let’s get at least 50% right!”
“Hey, let’s get at least in the double digits.”
“Well fuck, let’s get at least one damn answer right!”

We did better than expected and just missed the 50% mark (hell, if you roundup we passed it.)



What’s your Ringtone?
My cellphone – a T-Mobile Sidekick (fondly called Chuck Norris II) is pretty pimped out with personalized ringtones:
* Ames – Kashmir by Led Zeppelin because that’s how she rolls (and she may have threatened my life if I put her as David Archuleta)
* Foley – Crush by David Archuleta because she loves him and voted for him
* Stacy – Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty (and not that shitty cover by John Mayer)
* Monday Night Happy Hour Crew – I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry because of sentimental reasons only *cough*Duluth*cough
* The Parents – Icky Thump by White Stripes because I love that song!
* My old default – Billie Jean by Michael Jackson which has now been usurped by….drumroll please…
* Light On by David Cook! Yes my friends, roll your eyes, plug your ears, mock me if you dare.

Music of the Day – in hopes of gaining some of my music cred back

Beck – Where it’s at (REMIX)

Another ringer with the slick trigger finger/for her majesty/another one with the golden tongue

Baseball news
Well, you sure the hell aren’t hearing it here first but…
* Matt Holliday is traded to the Oakland A’s
* Evan Longoria and Geovany Soto are Rookies of the Year (hey, if that squeaky voiced little kid can do it in the Disney movie…)
* NL Cy Young Award goes to some guy I don’t know…Tim Lincecum (Giants)

Non-baseball but no less important

Overheard – That’s What She Said Specials

Via text message between Stacy (who was upstairs) and me (who was downstairs)
Stacy: The bedroom floor is one big vibrator.
Me: That’s what she said.
Stacy: I don’t think it counts when the intent is sexual.
Me: Of course it does. We will have to bring this up to the courts to decide.
Stacy: That’s what she said.
Me: Dumbass.
Stacy: What are you doing now?Me: Updating my blog with our conversation. Are you still on the vibrating floor?
Stacy: Just got up.
Me: That’s what she said.

In my house whilst watching CSI: Miami
The CSI people go into this fancy house
Aunt K: Man, he had to rub a lot of oil on a lot of women to get a place that big.
Me: That’s what she said.
Aunt K: She did?
Me (laughing): I gotta write that down.
Aunt K: Wait, did she say that?

On Saturday at the Thunder from Down Under All-Male Strip Show
By drunk woman whilst taking a picture of herself with two other friends
Woman: Let’s have a threesome!
Me (muttering under my breath): That’s what she said!

On Saturday at the Thunder from Down Under All-Male Strip Show
During the Sparta dance “routine”
Elle: They have swords!
Me: That’s what she said!
Elle: They are touching them together.
Me: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Overheard: Non-That’s What She Said Moments

In my cubicle
MT (who holds an MBA and speaks multiple languages): You talk about David Cook way more than humanly possible
Me: Shut it, you are the one pretending to love David Archuleta.
MT: Didn’t you hear Jen? I am an Archie’s Angel!
Me (choking): I gotta right that down.

In the kitchen while cooking
Lucy (wearing a Hannah Montana blonde wig): Can I watch you cook?
Stacy: No baby, it is hot in here and you are wearing a very flammable wig.


Getting my servings of fruits and veggies
Whilst a Bloody Mary does not in fact include blood or someone called Mary it does contain tomatoes juice, celery and pickle. That right there covers my veggie-servings.

Note to self: Eating purple M&Ms does not substitute as a fruit serving just because they look like grapes. They aren’t.

Top Albums
I was asked to name my top 10 albums of all time…of course I added a few extra.

Prince – Purple Rain
AC/DC – Back in Black
America – History
Beastie Boys – Ill Communication
Bob Marley & the Wailers – Legend
Counting Crows – August & Everything After
David Bowie – Best of Bowie
Proclaimers – Sunshine of Leith
Queen – Greatest Hits
Steve Miller Band – Young Hearts
Tom Petty – Greatest Hits
Violent Femmes – Violent Femmes

Honorable mentions:
The Fratellis – Costello Music
Babyshambles – Shotter’s Nation
The Kooks – In/Inside Out
Matisyahu – Youth
Regina Spektor – Begin to Hope
Rilo Kiley – More adventurous
Travis – Singles
22-20s – 05-03

Music of the Day
I think I posted this song a while ago before it was released. However, now it has a video for it. This is the new theme song for the Bond movie. Hey, I will post anything that Jack White touches…he’s gold, baby!

Alicia Keys & Jack White – Another Way to Die (from the new Bond movie)

Do it now/You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals/So let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel

Baseball News
Baby Jesus (aka Joe Mauer) scored a Gold Glove. Here’s the rest of the winners:

Pitcher – Mike Mussina (Yankees)
Catcher – Baby Jesus
1B – Carlos Pena (Rays)
2B – Dustin Pedroia (Red Sox)
3B – Adrian Beltre (Mariners)
SS – Michael Young (Texas)
OF – Torii Hunger (Angels)
OF – Grady’s Ladies Sizemore (Indians)
OF – Ichiro Suzuki (Mariners)

Kinda Baseballish
Wednesday night Jolene (Jolene, Jolene, Jolene) and I bellied up to the bar at Merlin’s Rest for Wednesday Night Pub Quiz. We were flying high after the previous week’s 2nd Place Victory. Our team, The Dolly Partons, were ready to defend our silver medal. Alas, the Irish fates were against us by making the Quiz theme a sports one. Now, before you start scoffing I want to state for the record:

I GOT EVERY BASEBALL QUESTION CORRECT!!!

Now, when you throw in hockey, football, college ball and horse racing I pretty much fail. We did not get second place and we did not get third place but we could hold our heads up because we did get more than 50% right. I consider that a success.

Non-baseball but no less important

Ink ink baby…duh da da da duh
(that is to the tune of Ice Ice Baby)
I have a hankering (yes, “hankering”) to get new ink. I have been waiting for something noteworthy to come along and deserve a tattoo for remembrance. Alas, unless you count the fact I am totally in love with Trader Joe’s asparagus risotto. (Don’t get me wrong, that is pretty awesome.) Then I thought…Fuck it! I am a semi-rational adult and if I want a new tattoo then mama’s getting a new tattoo. So, now the plotting begins….*rubs hands in a menacing manner, not unlike Mr. Burns*
Here is what I am thinking of…

I want it on my chest, near my shoulder. Eventually I want something like this…

Except, well…I am a chick so I got boobs so you won’t be seeing a picture like this flashing around. Also, I don’t know if I would have words or a chain of some sort. So maybe it would be more like this…



Top 6 Things on my mind RIGHT NOW!
1. I felt a small amount of shame over the fact I “that’s what she said” -ed my 3-year old niece.
2. What to wear to the coverband concert tomorrow night.
3. Why I can’t stop singing Sir Mix-a-Lots “I like big butts” in front of my 3-year old niece
4. Within 15 minutes of watching Barack Obama speak at his first press conference I feel like our President Elect is a more eloquent, warm, engaging and intelligent speaking. So, that’s what it feels like.
5. Why are the check-out people at Trader Joe’s so happy all the time? I mean, there is never a not-over-the-top checkout encounter when I am there.
6. David Cook. Yes, I can see all of you (you know who you are) rolling your eyes but come on! The Saturday Night Live performances were awesome! One know at least two of you eye-rollers have the episode saved on TiVo/DVR *cough*Ames*cough*

Furthering Lucy’s musical education
Last night Lucy (age 3) and I hung over for an hour (I don’t like to think of it as babysitting because that seems so formal.) We spent that whole hour dancing to the sounds of Green Day “When I Come Around”, Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” and “Hot and Cold” and Eiffel 65’s “Blue”. It was a strange trip down memory lane.

Randomly Random:
I got an anonymous comment on my last blog entry from a David Archuleta fan. Hmm...I guess that means I blog about David Cook too much. *slaps hand*

Music of the Day – Memory Lane Edition
I took a brief skip down memory lane the other day fondly recalling my favorite songs of the 90’s. The Bloodhound Gang, ah…that brings back thoughts of Boone’s Farm (shuddup), Premium Grainbelt beer and parking ramps.

Bloodhound gang – Discovery Channel/Bad Touch

I welcome the sun/the clouds and rain/the wind that sweeps the sky clean/and lets the sun shine again

Sorry! I can’t even pretend I have something baseball-y to blog about. Heck, even MLB.com is quiet this morning. I guess we do have bigger and better things to focus on.

Non-baseball but no less important
Last night I did slightly delayed-real time blogging to keep notes. Now, I try (and mostly fail) at keeping this blog politics-free but last night we witnessed history (and some of us - me) are so excited about it. Here are some of my notes that aren’t directly politically related.

There are just a couple things I want to point out from last night. Don’t worry, they won’t offend anyone unless you are offended by swearing (and well, if you are offended by swearing then why the fuck are you reading my blog?)

Holla-gram
Thank you CNN for giving us Hologram Reporting! Someone else out there had to have seen the holograms and laughed their asses off (besides Ames and me.) DUDE! Hologram!

6:15 p.m. CT
CNN’s Jessica Yellin live in studio via Hologram.
“You’re a hologram.”
“How excited are you to be the first one beamed in?”
“Thanks Jessica, you are a terrific hologram.”

Actually, I don’t think she’s that great of a hologram because of the squiggly lines.
* I think she looks like a disco ball.
* I also believe that 1990’s Star Trek had better holograms.
* Fucking holograms, they make me laugh. So does beer.

9:47 p.m. CT
Will.I.Am is being beamed to Andy Cooper! I am laughing my ass of at Anderson Cooper saying “Will. I. Am.” Dude is awkward.
“We’ll be right back. We have a lot of holograms coming.”
That’s what she said!

Gratuitous Anderson Cooper Photo
No reason for this except I <3 Andy Cooper!

What I said upon hearing Obama is the 44th President of the United States of America
I was on the phone with Amy and this will be forever my memory of finding out Obama is our president-elect:
“We fucking Baracked the vote Bitch!!!”
Yeah, that will be a lovely memory to share with Lucy one day.

Some people are a little more eloquent about the news (*cough*Obama*cough*)
“Out of many we are one. While we breathe we hope.”

Music of the Day
Because this song reminds me of a sunny spring day.

Brett Dennen – Blessed

lSomething anything just to keep believing/Just to keep on breathing for a moment longer

Barely eeking out some baseball news
Everett is filing for free agency

***PLEASE NOTE: Due to the fact that baseball news is going to be quiet around here (unless I start making stuff up) I will be updated this blog with much more “Non-baseball” information. I am doing that to keep everyone in practice on checking my blog. Hey, you don’t have to read it but you can always check out the new music I post or mock me for fangirling over David Cook. Everyone’s a winner!

Non-Baseball but no less important

NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month)
Day 4!!!

VOTE or DIE!
Well, not really die but you know what I mean.

Things I love
* Fancy restrooms that use washcloths instead of paper towels
* David Cook singing on Saturday Night Live. Click here to see it and make sure to check out the awesome guitar solo by the blonde guy (which could be something else I love: Smoking, Melt Your Face Guitar Riffs!)
* My I Voted Sticker!

Overheard
In my cubicle
C-Sha: Do you want a Mentos?
Me: Uh, yeah!
Hands box over
Me: Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, fresh goes better with...
C-Sha: Mentos fresh and full of life!
Me and C-Sha: Mentos, the freshmaker!

I don’t understand why the two of us don’t have our own talk show. We crack our own shit up!

In the breakroom
Me (to K): Did you have a good weekend?
K: Yeah, it was uneventful. EV spent the whole weekend trying to find a copy of Rock Band World Tour.
Me: He’s a dork.
K: Yeah, he just ran out of here because he got a hot tip that there’s one left in Coon Rapids.

In the spare bedroom where I was watching Stacy paint the walls
Me: I like the color on the walls. It is like melted milk chocolate.
Stacy: I know! I keep wanting to lick it.
Me (in my head): That’s what she said.
Me (out loud): Wait, I gotta write that down.

Ugh, Nature
This past weekend Minnesota experienced The Perfect Weather. I took advantage of that by going on a little nature walk at Crex Meadows in Grantsburg, WI (home of my grams.) So, let me take you on a brief trip of the thoughts in my head during this:
* When does deer hunting season start?
* Why the hell am I wearing brown during (potential) Deer Season?
* I should have left my designer Betsey Johnson purse in the car.
* What’s that noise?
* In the horror movies who gets picked off first? The people in the front of the group or the back? Maybe I will stay in the middle.

You can’t say that I am not creative. In order to protect myself during (potential) Deer Hunting Season I tied my green scarf around my head and clutched my Betsey Johnson hobo bag to my side. Ain’t no deer hunters gonna shoot me by mistake.

God, I hate nature.

New Release Tuesday
Dido – Safe Trip Home
Sarah Brightman – A Winter Symphony (I can’t even look at her name without grinding my teeth. I had a former co-worker who played her all day long…that was until Gretchen Wilson's Red Neck Woman came along.)
Hinder – Take it To The Limit
Travis – Ode to J Smith (I will be buying this)

Music of the Day
Since Travis’ new album (Ode to J Smith) is out today (BUY YOUR COPY) I thought I would give them a little promotional push here. I dare you to listen to this song and NOT get it sucked in your head. Our local NPR radio station (89.3 The Current) has been playing it a lot!

Travis – Something Anything

Land of plenty, land of fun/To find out I’m Nimrod’s song/Oh bury me/Far away please/Bury me

Now what the hell am I supposed to be doing? Baseball is all done until…well, Winter Meetings.

Congrats to the Phillies. Yes, I may have been cheering for the Rays however I am glad to see someone new getting the trophy.

Twins News
I am so excited to see the LARGER THAN LIFE scoreboard at Target Field. You all remember how much I fangirled over the one in Kansas City.

Three Twins filed for Free Agency: Eddie Guardado, Dennys Reyes and Little Nicky Punto.

Non baseball but no less important

Happy Halloween
So, I don’t “do” costumes but I like to take advantage of Costume Friendly Day in the Land O’Cubicles. Today I am wearing my When Did Rock ‘N Roll Become So Fucking Boring watch, dangly guitar earrings and my pirate Vans shoes. My costume is “Weekend Jen” (minus being drunk.)

Did you know…
That if you wear an Iron Man costume that I am required by law to sing Ozzie’s “I am Iron Man”? Needless to say this kid had to listen to us sing it a few times.


Then I met you
Three years ago yesterday I met Lucy for the very first time. One of my most favorite memories is being at the airport and seeing Stacy come down the escalator with Lucy in her arms. Then I got to hold her and that trumped all!

I am VICTORIOUS!
I have been crowing, hooting, “in your face-ing” all morning long! Last night The Dolly Partons (my Pub Quiz team) took 2nd place at the Merlin’s Rest Pub Quiz. I don’t think you guys know how AWESOME this is. Here are all the things we had going against us:
There are only two on our team versus everyone else’s four
We don’t really excel at geography and history (we are more Pop Culture girls)
Our guessing skills can be summed up with Minnesota Nice – “What do you think the answer is.” “Oh no, you decide you are much better at this.” “No, you are really great too.”
I have attention deficient issues and am easily distracted by shiny objects
The drunk lady stole my concentration

All that aside The Dolly Partons still brought our A Game and took home the silver. I am not sure if it was our mad-skillz or the David Cook birthday card I crafted (as in home-made) for Jolene’s birthday that secured our victory.


Either way…
Come on Jolene, let’s take our victory lap!

Overheard
Whilst standing at bus stop
Young Bum to Scared lady: Can I get some money?
Scared Lady: I don’t carry cash!!!!
Young Bum rolls eyes and looks at me (who is cranky that I missed the bus)
Young Bum to me: You want a cigarette?
Me: No thanks.

Theory: Nice girls get asked for money, surly girls get offered a cigarette

Music of the Day – iPod Shuffle Edition
I just hit shuffle on my iPod and here’s what I got – the Pixies. I forgot how much I love the Pixies (and how much the Violent Femms and Ezra Furman and the Harpoons have an eerily similar sound.)

Pixies – Nimrod’s Son

Hey hey, my my/Rock and roll can never die/There’s more to the picture/Than meets the eye

Note to self: You SUCK at blogging!

Okay, now that’s out of the way.

I am back and blogging. Unfortunately it is at the tail-end of all things baseball but there are other sports and random crap to keep this going until pitchers report to camp.

Baseball First
I have been following the World Series and am cheering for the Rays. Come on…I actually know most of the players on their team as opposed to the Phillies who I only know from the All-Star Game. Looks like we have to wait until tomorrow to see the ending of game 4.

Non-Baseball but no less important

Here are a few updates from my absence:
* I found out that being lazy and replacing the bacon portion of a Bacon and Eggs meal with Bacon-bits is not a good idea. They are not actually a bacon substitute.
* Foley got a tattoo! Ames and I took her to Saint Sabrina’s and in between us crushing on her tattoo artist she got inked with a Vikings logo.

* Absolut Vodka is rolling out a new line of flavored vodkas called Absolut Cities. The first one is Absolut Los Angeles which is a mix of Acai, blueberry and Pomegranate. I think Minneapolis should get its own flavor and it should be cherries, apples and lemongrass.
* The Monday Night Happy Hour Crew returns to the scene of Rossi’s to celebrate the new bar – Hell’s Kitchen. AND we love Dave The Bartender!
* I am going to the AC/DC concert in January and I will be in the 5th Row!
* I learned a new word: Manicorn. Definition: a mythical male creature who is successful (read: pursuing his passion and can pay his electric bills/rent), funny, chivalrous, masculine (read: not chauvinistic), adventurous, artistic (read: not suicidal.) “Where is my manicorn? I keep going out with all these losers!”
* Another bar crawl with the Monday Night Happy Hour Crew with plenty of shenanigans!
* I relived being 10 years old and went to the New Kids on the Blog concert last week.
* I ran the prairies of Walnut Grove, MN and went to the Little House on the Prairie museum. Yes, there were bonnets involved.

* Loads of David Cook updates:
- Dan Wilson (local guy of Semisonic and Trip Shakespeare fame) co-wrote song on David Cook’s new album.
- He will be the musical guest on Saturday Night Live this Saturday.
- His new single was on a jukebox at one of the bars on our Nordeast Bar Crawl (and I took a picture of it. I blame the seven other bars for getting me tipsy.)


Overheard...
At a game
Grown man: That’s bizarro!
Amy (whispering to me): Did you hear that grown man say “bizarro?”
Me (whispering back): I am totally writing that down.

In the Land O’Cubicles
Me: I was so pissed off when I realized that today was only Wednesday.
Co-worker: What day did you think it was?
Me: I thought it was fucking Thursday. When I found out it was only Wednesday I wanted to throw-up.

In my house
Stacy: *random comment*
Me: That’s what she said!
Stacy: What? Who said it?
Me: Sigh. It is not fun to pull a “That’s What She Said” with someone who isn’t up on pop culture.

At Leeann Chins in Maple Grove
Ames: Did you notice the handsome guy that took our order?
Me: No, I was too excited about the Cream Cheese Puffs.
Amy: *non-committal noise*
Me: Amy! Instead of Bro’s before Ho’s it is Cream Cheese Puffs before Ho’s

Theory – you can take the girl out of the ghetto but you can’t take the ghetto out of the girl.

Music of the Day
Let’s jam to one of my favorite Neil Young songs!

Neil Young – Hey Hey My My

I walk right through the door/Walk right through the door/Hey all right! If I get by, it’s mine/Mine all mine

.5
That’s it.

About Last Night (cliché, I know)
I watched the first few innings of the game from a table in the bar at Don Pablos. (Yeah, yeah, yeah.) Thank goodness the friend I was out to dinner with understands my quirks and was okay having dinner in the bar while I gaze over her right shoulder at the television set. Thanks Lurlene!

After I got home I had a tough decision to make. You see I had to flip between the premiers of Criminal Minds and CSI NY and the game. It took some fancy Flash button work but I succeeded. Of course I missed most of CSI NY due to the nail biting on the field. At the top of the 9th before the first pitch was even thrown I was texting all my baseball peeps to virtually hold my hand.

Sweet baby Jesus! That was close, too close but like I always say “A win is a win is a win is a win.” Makes sense, right?

Tonight
I must finish all my errands (man, that makes me sound like a mini-van driving soccer mom) and be on my sofa promptly at 7:00 p.m. History may be made and I need to witness it.

Non-baseball but no less important

Overheard
I created an Overheard section because…well, I either overhear a lot or am overheard a lot.

Overheard in my living room during a toddler dance session
Lucy: I gonna take my pants off now.
Stacy: Wait, why are you taking your pants off?
Lucy: So it is easier to dance.
Stacy (muttering): Yeah ‘cause knit leggings are hard to dance in.

Hey whatever moves ya, Sistah!

Overheard in a PT Cruiser
(one afternoon after picking Lucy up from pre-school)
Lucy (from the backseat): I saw a pink elephant at the park!
Me (muttering to Stacy): Someone’s been toking the bong
… One minute passes
Lucy (shouting): Toking the bong!

Yeah, I am probably not the best influence for a three-year old.

Overheard in the living room whilst watching Criminal Minds
Me: Why is he running after the bomb!?
Stacy: He’s not running after the bomb he’s running after the bomber.
Me: No, he said he was the bomb.
Stacy: No, he said he was the bomber.
Me: No, he’s said that he is the bomb and not in the “Oh snap, he da bomb” way.
Stacy (holding up a picture of David Beckham in an underwear ad: No, he’s da bomb.

True that.

Music of the Day
Just for the sake of fun I put my iPod on shuffle. Let’s see what pops up…Jane’s Addiction! YEAH!!! This is one of my favorite songs (I know, I say that about a lot of songs.) This came out when I was in middle school and I thought I was pretty edgy listening to this instead of Mariah Carey or Color me Badd.

Jane’s Addiction – Been Caught Stealing

Try to leave a light on when I’m gone/Something I rely on to get home/One I can feel at night

If you would allow me another break in my irregular blogging for a very special edition of Lipgloss & Baseball: Out of the Box. (No, smartasses, it isn’t another American Idol concert review.)

Imagine this…
9:00 a.m., Sunday morning
A parking lot packed with vehicles and human bodies modeling the latest designs in football fan apparel.
The sounds are a mix of generators, dull roars and random singing.
The smells are generator gas fumes, spilled beer and grilled food.
Everything is a blur of purple and gold.
I have arrived at Minnesota Vikings Tailgating!

That morning I wedged my slightly hungover self in a train packed with Minnesota Vikings football fans. You see, I was cajoled into attending the pre-game festivities and tailgate with my season ticket holder friends. I went with slight trepidation because I didn’t know what to expect as I have never ever been to a regular season professional football game before. As I walked past parking lots full of fans and booze I realized my first mistake. I wasn’t wearing Vikings apparel. I don’t own anything purple & gold (the colors clash horribly with my red hair.) I had on a Led Zeppelin t-shirt and jeans. I was going to stick out like a sore thumb…or a Carolina Panther fan. Whoops! As soon as I found my friends they fell upon me as if they were reenacting a scene from Cinderella. They had to turn this poor, enslaved semi-fan into a full blown football princess. All it took were billions strands of purple & gold beads and a hat with horns on it. Ugh…kind of stupid for princess apparel but I didn’t have a say. As soon as I was fully kitted out I was given a can of Coors Light. Now, I think I fangirled a little too much over my can of beer because it was in a new Optimal Coolant can which meant it turned blue when it reached the optimal temperature for drinking. (For reference I have actually blogged about these cans before: 6/21/07 and 4/3/08.) I was failing fast as a tailgater. I drank my mid-priced beer as fast as I could to impress the dozen or so tailgaters in my crew. I didn’t crush the can on my head but I did throw in on the ground and crush it with my new black Mary Jane Crocs. Then I was promptly given a little plastic cup which held a purple and yellow Jell-o shot. I man-ed up and took my first Jell-o shot like a professional frat boy. Hmm…tasty. Wait! They have whipped cream too? Okay, now this is my kind of party. Moving on.

So, I am in a parking lot, drinking (up to four Jell-o shots now), eating and trying to hold a conversation with dozens of drunken Vikings fans. I am finding very little success using my vast knowledge of all things baseball so I start throwing out random football things that I know.
Boomer Esiason! I know him! He was a big Jets player. I had his trading card when I was a kid.
Randy Moss! He was arrested for running down a traffic cop and possession of Marijuana right outside of my office window (that was a great day.)
Tommy Kramer! Stacy had posters of Tommy Kramer in her bedroom.
So, my tailgaters are mildly impressed now (or humoring me) so I feel comfortable in my surroundings. Actually, it is like an episode of Wild Planet! I could be the host and walk around talking in a hushed tone (and horrible fake British accent) “Here we are amongst the animals in the natural environment. You can see the big guy over there in purple and yellow Zubaz; he is the leader of this pack. The woman with feathered hair and a beer helmet is his mate.”

Moving on, yet again. So, we are standing around drinking and talking and listening to music. Our music was provided by this giant boombox/subwoofer looking thing blasting out tunes. Mostly background sounds but what? WAIT! WHAT IS THAT PLAYING? No!!! It can’t be! The music! They are playing David Cook’s version of Billie Jean.

The Tailgaters played David Cook!
Why yes, I did fangirl and I fangirled hard. I stopped talking, mid-sentence, turned away from my friends and slowly drifted (as if in a zombie movie) towards the monster truck blasting the music. It was like I was Moses parting a sea of purple and gold water. (Okay, pardon the sacrilegious bible reference.) I passed by people doing Keg-Stands, ladies flashing men (and maybe even me) for beads, a homeless guy wearing a fake fur coat and some pimps. I arrived. I arrived at the machine that produced music that reminded me of what a fangirl I can be. I approached the guy standing by the music. He looked really nervous as I approached him. Maybe it was my glazed eyes, maybe it was my Led Zeppelin t-shirt, maybe it was my slightly crushed Coors Light clenched in my hand. Either way, he was a little apprehensive. I did that whispery, breathy talk (that only girls can achieve) and said “I love David Cook.” He nodded and handed me a bottle of Stella and sent me on my way.
Moral of the story: In a sea of Vikings shit I found something to connect with…David Cook. Alas, drunken football fans couldn’t connect with me. Doesn’t matter…my favorite moment after tailgating, a three-hour football game, lots of beer, too many Jell-o shots and a victorious win over the Caroline Panthers was…hearing David Cook in a parking lot.

Photographic Evidence

Leggo my Jell-o

Music of the Day
Raise your hand if you are shocked that I picked this? Okay, let’s be honest, I don’t ask for much from you guys. I don’t rant, I am not irrational, I don’t fangirl over random things…okay, wait. That is all wrong. You should be used to me by now, right? Since I am all in “confession mode” I may as well admit that I am on the freaking David Cook mailing list. Okay, ya’ll done laughing now? Mooooving on. Yesterday I got an email that David Cook’s new single - Light On was being released for listening. So, I listened to it and…I kind of love it. I know, SHOCKING right? Just set aside your mockery and give it a listen.
David Cook Turns the ‘Light On’ His Debut Single

David Cook – Light On (new single)