All we ever have is Right Now / And all we’ll ever need is here, Right Now

Let’s talk about Baseball Etiquette
So…I have waited in lines before for buying concert tickets, to get into concerts & for meeting musicians after concerts. (And yes, I’ve done all those at a David Cook concert too…and for U2 and for Willie Nelson. So don’t judge!) Anyways, there’s certain etiquette amongst the masses. You don’t invite your 10 friends to skip ahead to stand with you, you don’t push, you don’t start fights that you can’t win, you don’t eat stinky food, you share your water. Right? It’s like a warzone when you’re out there.

Now, how does this tie in with baseball? Well, I want to talk about etiquette amongst baseball…game attendees, bloggers, tweeters, ect. This will be a multi-part blog due to the length and to my rambling.

When at a baseball game
I get it. You’re at the game! AWESOME! Now let’s go over how you can make your visit enjoyable for me. Yes, I wrote that correctly. Here’s how you can not bug ME! And in turn…everyone else around you.

1. Projectile Story Tellilng
This is about those people who want those sitting around them to accidently eavesdrop on their conversations so that we can all hear about how awesome they are. You know those people. Some of you may be those people. There are moments where I think the drunken frat boy who keeps trying to start the wave while juggling his two MGDs is more welcome than Please Listen To My Story.

“So I was drinking on the roof of Seven Sushi Saturday night…well, actually it was Sunday morning because it was like 2 a.m… OMG! We got SO TRASHED!”

That’s great, Drunky. I get it. You’re SUPER cool and can get into really hot clubs like Seven. Oh wait…this is Minnesota. Not New York. There are very few places you CAN’T get into. You did not achieve greatness. You flashed some bills/boobs/grills and got in. I don’t need to know how you puked in a garbage can on 7th & Hennepin (Trust me…I’ve seen it. That’s why I don’t use the trash cans on the west side of Nicollet Mall.) Why don’t you save that story for your facebook status or something that doesn’t involve me rolling my eyes into the back of my head. You’re here for baseball…or at least you should be.

“I find that the hot button issues for this election are really overrated due to more pressing concerns in the community.”

Wow. You are sooooooooooo deep! You used a whole bunch of big words in one sentence! You are saving the world! We are really lucky you took time out of your big campaigning schedule to come to a baseball game. Here’s the thing…much like first dates, we don’t talk about politics or religion at baseball games. Just enjoy the game and think the thoughts inside your head.

“Hey! Hey! That’s the dude on the cover of XBOX MLB! Cool! You know that my batting average is like .425. I am leading my league.”

Just because you are the MVP on your video game version of baseball that doesn’t mean you actually know a lot about baseball. Let’s use the age-old theory about if you play a flight simulator game does that mean you qualify to fly an actual airplane? Nope.

“Sweetie. Do you want a drink? A drink? Can you say drink? Here you go. Now what do you say? No, child-that’s-toddler-age, we do not kick the seat in front of us. No no no no. We do not wipe our hands on our pants. Let mommy get you a moist towelette. Look Sweet Little Precious Child of Mine, there’s a man with a bat. He’s batting. See? Batting!”

Much like there is a family section where you can’t drink and can expect lots of wholesome family time (which I support the idea of) I think there should be an “I am just here to watch the baseball game and have a few drinks” section. I’d buy season tickets to that. You’d have to answer a few quick questions about the game, the stadium, the team and then you’re in. Wally the Beer guy is the vendor, TC the Bear comes and high-fives us all, we are guaranteed the give-aways, snuggies are welcomed.

2. Inappropriate Clothing
This is not where I talk about how wearing a tube top or miniskirts is inappropriate. Heck, I may roll my eyes or mock but it’s a personal choice. Chicks who wear a Twins jersey with a miniskirt get bonus points! Here is what I am talking about:
· Yankees clothing when we aren’t playing the Yankees.
· Those super high heel/platform shoes that make me fear for your safety as you toddle up and down the steep steps. They can’t be comfortable!
· Oversized purses that take my armrest away. Sure, this year’s fringed boho chic purse is super cute but is it really functional at a game? You fear putting it on the ground because it will get spilled on so instead it sits perched smooshed between your body and the armrest.
· Skorts. Just because.
· Ed Hardy t-shirts. Again…just because.

3. Mass mentality
Will you marry me? is not for everyone
Getting proposed to in front of 40,000 + people is exciting. Unless you are the unfortunate person seated next to them. It’s awkward and distracting. But…that’s neither here nor there. I have yet to be to a game at the new Target Field and NOT see a proposal on the 4th largest screen in MLB. It kind of looses it’s glamour and excitement when everybody is doing it. Now is the time to thinking of something more original. Let’s say…”Marry Me” written in ketchup on a hotdog served by one of the seat vendors. Or how about have TC deliver a giant cookie with “Marry Me” written in frosting? I mean, anything with food seems to be “ballparky”.

The Wave is similar to a thousand bee stings
I know, I know. It is really hip to hate the wave right now but somehow a ballpark full of people can get it going. Thankfully I have always been a hater. So, why do we do the wave? To entertain ourselves during the slow parts? To inspire the players? To annoy me? Get a hobby. Not gonna help. And it does. In conclusion, don’t do it.

4. Wanderers Punch
There is so much foot traffic in and around the new stadium. I have compiled a simple list of How To Walk:

· Don’t stop in the middle. Just pull off to the side…much like you do in car traffic.
· Go with the flow. It’s not trout season, you don’t need to swim against the current.
· Do not walk in a width of more than two people. That’s just rude and annoying. Unless you’re shooting an opening sequence to some badass movie y’all don’t need to be front and center.
· If you have a stroller and you hit me in the back of the ankle (a la my Achilles heel) more than once please be prepared for me to turn around and glare. If you do not look properly ashamed please be prepared for me to snarl. If you do not look properly afraid please be prepared for my big hoop earrings to come off.
· I know it is super Minnesotan to see a line and automatically stand in it…even if you don’t know what it for. We automatically assume it is either where we are supposed to be or it’s a line for an awesome giveway. BUT sometimes it’s okay to break free from the pack and walk around the line.

Well, I think that’s enough of a list for this first post of Jen’s Half-Ass Rules of Baseball Etiquette. Do you have anything to add? Anything you disagree with?

Music Video of the Day
Let me introduce you to someone. His name is Ryan Star and he’s an awesome musician. I’ve seen him in concert a couple times and can verify that he puts on a kickass rock show AND is a nice dude (tall drink o’water too, ladies). His song “Right Now” is used at the end of the FSNorth televised games…for the recap. So there is a baseball connection (even if he’s a Yankees fan).

The song I am posting here is the new single and the music video is on the VH1 Top 20 countdown show on weekend mornings. It is a great song with a cool message and the video is really cool…about people fighting recession and being laid off. Take three minutes and watch.

Oh, he also has a brand new album that was just released last Tuesday. You can pick up a copy on iTunes or at Best Buy or Target.

Ryan Star - Breathe