Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Banish the Bandwagons and Find a Freaking Pitcher Already!

Well, baseball and I are having a little tiff right now. You see, I love watching it but the MN Twins don’t seem to really like playing it. There is this phrase that gets used in the Land O’Baseball often that I really don’t like, bandwagon fan. You all know that I am not a bandwagon fan so I want you to remember this through the rest of my rant.

We want a pitcher not a belly itcher!
Seriously, I think the Twins will be holding open auditions for replacement starting and bullpen pitcher. Hmm...I wonder if I could review the headshots. Ponson went down last month and Ortiz hasn’t had good starts on his last few ups. Silva is sketchy and Baker is a shiny new penny. That leaves Santana and I have a feeling he will get burned out pretty fast if the weight on the Defending American Central Champs falls on his big, muscled shoulders. (That one was for you, Amy!) What do we do? Well, actually we can’t do anything. We must sit and twiddle our thumbs (or knit in my case) and wait for Terry Ryan to make the big call. For the Bullpen – the Crainadian (Crain) is out for the rest of the year and I can’t say I will miss him. He hasn’t done a thing for me lately and I am totally holding a sixth grade grudge on that. Glen Perkins (the Great White Hope) is also out for who knows how long. Reyes is out for a bit more. We ain’t got a flying fish over a sea of boats kind of chance. Come on Mr. Ryan, do something already!

Bats in the belfry? What bats? The bats have gone missing in the Land of 10,000 Lakes
We either do FANTASTIC (said in a high pitched hyper voice) or we do below average in regards to our batting. Where is Baby Jesus (Joe Mauer) when we need him? Isn’t his 15-day grounding over yet? We have some deflated batting egos in our dugout. Maybe it is time to shake off the voodoo doll and get some of the questions answered. Here at my desk I have this cookie decorated with the Twins logo that I refuse to eat (because it looks so cool) but maybe if I break the cookie in half it will release some sort of Baseball Genie that would grant me three wishes. I would choose…
1. Four solid starters in our pitching rotation (heck I was going to go crazy I would wish for Liriano to be back)
2. Baby Jesus back and better than ever to shake up our batting order
3. To be in the Hormel Hot Dog Row of Fame

The Twins have lost that love and feeling…whoa ooh that love and feeling
So yes, night after night after night after afternoon I will sit on my sofa or sit in the Dome and watch our Boys of Summer play. I am like the postman “No sleet, nor snow nor rain will keep the mail away.” No slump, no frustrations and no baseball blogging embarrassments will keep me away from the sport I love. HOWEVER, I won’t sit by and watch the suckage quietly. Oh no, my friends. I will bitch and crow and maybe throw a mild tantrum every now and again but I will watch. On that sappy, cheesy and mildly disturbing ending…

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